just knots

So, as I have started this blog, I am thinking a lot more about my life.  I actually have come to terms with one thing... so far... that is good, right?  One thing.  Better one thing than nothing at all.
How can one be completely satisfied with their life?   It is funny to think about things that have happened through life.  You think, "things were easier back then..." Actually, you still had things to work through.  It just seemed easier because your issues now are much larger and you are in it at that moment of things being tough.
It is true, talking about things helps.  It helps you come out of denial.  Even if its anonymously, at least you are being honest with yourself.

present knots

I think my past may play a role in my present.  I have resentments towards my husband.  I did things to make everyone around me happy.  Never for myself.  I always wanted to please people, so they would love me because of my nasty high school bullying I went through.  I felt like I could not be me because I was hated so much for being me.  So my resentments towards him, are my issues with pleasing and staying with him.  I wanted to leave before we were married and I did not because he cried and I felt bad.  So I stayed.  Now, at times, I love him but also, at times, I hate him.  I feel like my life is not my life.  Why did I make choices that were not me?  Sometimes I love my life, at times, I hate my life.  I could have done so much better for me.  Or could I have?  Maybe it took this life I have now to realize the truth about my issues.
My dreams, my goals, desires and hopes I always wanted is not what I have now.
Serenity prayer.

wondering knots

Sometimes I wonder...
What could have been.
What I would be doing different.
Then I catch myself.
Do not dwell.
Do not go back.
He is not worth it.
He did nothing for me.
He did not help me.
Everything is the way it should be.
Right?
Did I help me?
Did I settle?
No.
Yes.

realized knots

I know living in the past is wrong.  The past is the past and that should be it.  I almost feel like being bullied really damaged me in so many ways.  I have resentments towards a lot of things that I could have changed and did not because I was afraid and tried to do what I thought was right at the time.  I am the perfect example of making choices based on fear.  I was always judged.  No matter what I did.  I always think what could have been...

past knots

I have come to realize that I can not get over my past.  I think things over and over again.  How I wish I did things differently.  I allowed people to crush my reputation, ruin relationships, destroy my esteem.  I know you want to say to me, "why did you let that happen?"  Junior high and high school was the start of the end for me.  I moved to a new state when I was 14.  Not knowing anyone.  I was friendly, I was a social butterfly.  Then I got passed a note in math class that would change my life forever.  When Gregory and I became an item, my life was turned upside down by girls in every direction in school.  I remember one day someone say, "That's Gregory's girlfriend."  Then she leaned over the railing and spit on me.  I was bullied for having him as my boyfriend.  I did not know what to do.  I just took it because I was so in love.  I wanted to be with him and if that meant being bullied, then so be it.  High school was so vicious for me, it brought the worst out in me.  All I wanted was to be popular and for everyone to like me and except Gregory and I were together.  That did not happen.  Rumors started.  Horrible, cruel lies spread like wildfire about me.  It was like it was every girls dream come true to break Gregory and I up.  One day it happened.  I wish to this day, I changed the way I handled being bullied.  A guy friend of mine said to me I was new, prettier than all the other girls and Gregory was my boyfriend, that is why I was attacked.  I replay all the things that happened to me.  The things I know now, I wish I knew then.
I went to school everyday with horrible butterflies in my stomach.  Anxiety of what was being said or who was going to start with me, was always there in my mind.  I found myself trying to prove people wrong, trying to fight for what was right.  Then someone came into my life and changed things, a little.  I started to date a guy that no one messed with.  He was popular and I was his girl.  Some of the mean girls started to come around and talk to me.  This is good.  No.  I was still in love with Gregory.  He was still in love with me.  We could not be together.  To think girls my age in junior high and high school could damage my life so much is sometimes unbearable.  17 years later, I am married, own a home, a full time mother of four and everyone around me thinks the world of me.  But I hold these deep secrets that no one knows.  I decided to start this blog so I can release it all and maybe move on.