Saturday, July 30, 2011

realized knots

I know living in the past is wrong.  The past is the past and that should be it.  I almost feel like being bullied really damaged me in so many ways.  I have resentments towards a lot of things that I could have changed and did not because I was afraid and tried to do what I thought was right at the time.  I am the perfect example of making choices based on fear.  I was always judged.  No matter what I did.  I always think what could have been...

Monday, July 25, 2011

past knots

I have come to realize that I can not get over my past.  I think things over and over again.  How I wish I did things differently.  I allowed people to crush my reputation, ruin relationships, destroy my esteem.  I know you want to say to me, "why did you let that happen?"  Junior high and high school was the start of the end for me.  I moved to a new state when I was 14.  Not knowing anyone.  I was friendly, I was a social butterfly.  Then I got passed a note in math class that would change my life forever.  When Gregory and I became an item, my life was turned upside down by girls in every direction in school.  I remember one day someone say, "That's Gregory's girlfriend."  Then she leaned over the railing and spit on me.  I was bullied for having him as my boyfriend.  I did not know what to do.  I just took it because I was so in love.  I wanted to be with him and if that meant being bullied, then so be it.  High school was so vicious for me, it brought the worst out in me.  All I wanted was to be popular and for everyone to like me and except Gregory and I were together.  That did not happen.  Rumors started.  Horrible, cruel lies spread like wildfire about me.  It was like it was every girls dream come true to break Gregory and I up.  One day it happened.  I wish to this day, I changed the way I handled being bullied.  A guy friend of mine said to me I was new, prettier than all the other girls and Gregory was my boyfriend, that is why I was attacked.  I replay all the things that happened to me.  The things I know now, I wish I knew then.
I went to school everyday with horrible butterflies in my stomach.  Anxiety of what was being said or who was going to start with me, was always there in my mind.  I found myself trying to prove people wrong, trying to fight for what was right.  Then someone came into my life and changed things, a little.  I started to date a guy that no one messed with.  He was popular and I was his girl.  Some of the mean girls started to come around and talk to me.  This is good.  No.  I was still in love with Gregory.  He was still in love with me.  We could not be together.  To think girls my age in junior high and high school could damage my life so much is sometimes unbearable.  17 years later, I am married, own a home, a full time mother of four and everyone around me thinks the world of me.  But I hold these deep secrets that no one knows.  I decided to start this blog so I can release it all and maybe move on.