Sunday, August 7, 2011

present knots

I think my past may play a role in my present.  I have resentments towards my husband.  I did things to make everyone around me happy.  Never for myself.  I always wanted to please people, so they would love me because of my nasty high school bullying I went through.  I felt like I could not be me because I was hated so much for being me.  So my resentments towards him, are my issues with pleasing and staying with him.  I wanted to leave before we were married and I did not because he cried and I felt bad.  So I stayed.  Now, at times, I love him but also, at times, I hate him.  I feel like my life is not my life.  Why did I make choices that were not me?  Sometimes I love my life, at times, I hate my life.  I could have done so much better for me.  Or could I have?  Maybe it took this life I have now to realize the truth about my issues.
My dreams, my goals, desires and hopes I always wanted is not what I have now.
Serenity prayer.

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