just knots

So, as I have started this blog, I am thinking a lot more about my life.  I actually have come to terms with one thing... so far... that is good, right?  One thing.  Better one thing than nothing at all.
How can one be completely satisfied with their life?   It is funny to think about things that have happened through life.  You think, "things were easier back then..." Actually, you still had things to work through.  It just seemed easier because your issues now are much larger and you are in it at that moment of things being tough.
It is true, talking about things helps.  It helps you come out of denial.  Even if its anonymously, at least you are being honest with yourself.

present knots

I think my past may play a role in my present.  I have resentments towards my husband.  I did things to make everyone around me happy.  Never for myself.  I always wanted to please people, so they would love me because of my nasty high school bullying I went through.  I felt like I could not be me because I was hated so much for being me.  So my resentments towards him, are my issues with pleasing and staying with him.  I wanted to leave before we were married and I did not because he cried and I felt bad.  So I stayed.  Now, at times, I love him but also, at times, I hate him.  I feel like my life is not my life.  Why did I make choices that were not me?  Sometimes I love my life, at times, I hate my life.  I could have done so much better for me.  Or could I have?  Maybe it took this life I have now to realize the truth about my issues.
My dreams, my goals, desires and hopes I always wanted is not what I have now.
Serenity prayer.

wondering knots

Sometimes I wonder...
What could have been.
What I would be doing different.
Then I catch myself.
Do not dwell.
Do not go back.
He is not worth it.
He did nothing for me.
He did not help me.
Everything is the way it should be.
Right?
Did I help me?
Did I settle?
No.
Yes.